Chapter 2

"How do you like it?"
"Uhh... Wow! Ahhh, that stings like a motherfucker."

She laughed as I tilted my head back, keeping my eyes closed while smiling and focusing on the burn in my nose

"As if I just did that."
"Ish?"
"Yeah. I've never done it before."

I'm lying. I did it two summers ago when an old dealer of mine gave it to me for free one afternoon after buying a ton of coke for two girls I picked up from Lipstixxx.

"What's it supposed to feel like?"
She laughs.
"You'll see."

I'm back to normal, leaned back on both arms sitting on her hardwood floor. I can't really tell if it's hitting me or not. I don't really remember how it felt too much, just that it kept me up drinking all night by myself. She's leaned back in her chair smiling at me now and I can't help but shyfully chuckle with an idiots grin.

"...What?"
"Here, have another beer!"

She bouncily sits up and reaches over the side of her chair to grab a beer. I reach over the coffee table, grab it and open it. I'm a little thirstier than before the last five beers I downed since I got here. It's cold and I love the feeling of it rushing down my throat. It's only 2PM on a Thursday and I'm already half fuckin' drunk.

"Ahhh, that's so fucking good. Thanks."
"No problem. So did you want to buy some?"
"Naw, I think I'm good for now. I'm pretty fuckin' stoned from that coke. Want another one?"
"Sure!"

I pass her the magazine the coke is on, careful not to spill anything and then hand her the straw when she is comfortably situated. She snorts up one of the smaller lines, puts the straw on the magazine and hands it back.

"Thanks."
"No problem."

We both sniffle and giggle. Her red hair shines through the dust in the sunbeams coming from her high windows. I can't help but feel comfortable in front of her.

"So where were you coming from?" She asks.
"Ah, just downtown. Got into a fight with the old lady so I stopped in downstairs for a few."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, I was supposed to go down and pay the rent yesterday. Didn't make it, obviously."
She laughs.
"So what are ya' gonna do?"
"I have no idea. Finish up here and see if I can find her. Hopefully figure something out if she ain't too mad, I don't know. I'm a bit scared."

We both laugh.

"I would be, too. Shouldn't you be at work?"
"Nah, I've been doing the daily labor shit."
"You quit doing flooring?"
"Yeah... just a bunch of bullshit. I don't know. It worked out that my boss fucked up his taxes and couldn't afford me any more. I kinda stopped giving a shit too, to be honest."
"I can tell. How's that working out for you?"
"Fuck if I know. I'm sore as shit. I'm just wingin' it at this point. Fucking sucks unloading trailers. I kinda hate it."
"Why?"
"I don't mind the labor, it's just I have to wake up at 5AM, get there for six, sit there for over an hour until they figure out where they want me and then I go and get there at like eight or nine. That's like four hours wasted just to work four hours with broken old men and jail dudes. I leave with 25 bucks at the end of the day."
"That sucks. It's temporary, though, right?"
"I fucking hope so. Everyone's been happy with my work so far, but.. the money's fucking shit, you know? I'd be better off on welfare."
"Then go on welfare then."
"Fuck no."
"Too much pride?"
"Obviously."
"So you'd rather be miserable doing that than being miserable doing nothing?"
"I guess so. It gives me something to do. Is it bad to say that I feel better than everyone there that I work with?"

There's a pause.

"...Yeah. Sorta. Seems a bit prideful."
"I know... It's just I'd rather say I worked for my little bit of bullshit than to say I had a handout."
"Definitely prideful than."

We laugh again. She's right.

"You're right. I probably shouldn't be, but fuck, some of these dudes... wow. I don't know. I feel like I haven't fucked my life up enough to be there, you know? It's definitely temporary, but just.. what if it isn't? That's what scares me. Like, what if this is it? What if I'm supposed to be there. Like, I'm not good enough to do anything else? I sure as hell don't want to go back to flooring."
"Why not?"
"It's fucked. I'm skilled enough to do it on my own but I don't have a license. It sounds like a shitty life. You gotta deal with a bunch of assholes and yadda yadda. I don't wanna get it into it."
"How come?"
"Because it's useless. Look at me. I'm a big fucking tattooed native dude. Would you let me into your million dollar home?"
"Yeah!"
"Fuck off."
"Haa, I guess I see where you're coming from. It just sounds like excuses to me. Like you're afraid of gr-"
"Growing up?"
"Yeah..."
"Of course I am. Why else would I be here? Doing this?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean.. running around getting fucked up, working shit jobs to pay for what? My shitty little apartment that I'm always close to losing every month? Not to mention paying for Dani. Like, fuck. I don't know. I'm fucking losing it. It doesn't seem worth it."
"Oh.. Okay. So... what's your plan then? Seeing as you don't want to grow up."
"I have no idea. All I know is that I don't want.. that!"
"What's 'that'?"
"A fucking thirty year mortgage, a shitty truck and being stuck in a fucking shitty job where people are constantly underpaying you just so you have no choice but to pay for it all and hope for maybe one of the sales people will finally give you a break and pay you for what you're actually fucking worth."

I lean forward and grab the magazine.

"Here."
She grabs it and takes the second smallest line and hands it back.

"Thanks."
"I mean, it's not a bad life and all.. but just the thought of being fucking stuck is what gets me, you know? I don't want that."
"Then what do you want?"
"I... don't know. That's what's so fucking fucked about it. Like we're supposed to have a plan at this fucking age. Like 'oh, hi Ellen! How are you this morning? Good! Good! Me too! How are your kids?' Like I give a fuck about your stupid kids. Fuck your kids. They're probably going to be raised as racist pieces of shit any way. Fuck 'em."

She laughs.

"So you're not going to do any of that?"
"Fuckin' of course I am! Why wouldn't I!? I'd only hope to! Except I'm stuck here doing this shit."

I goes quiet for a bit.

"Have a line."
"I probably should. Wanna hold it for me?"
"Sure."

She hands me the straw and holds the magazine close to my face.

"I'm gonna do most of it, cool?"
"Yeah, for sure!"

I snort the biggest, fairest line I could. I paid for it, right? I leave enough for a fair rip between the both of us and lean back on my arms again.

"You ever feel like you weren't meant this world?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like... everything you do is wrong. Like what you're doing now would have fit in a different time?"
"Really? Look at me..."
"I know, I know. But just.. I don't know. I don't fit in anywhere. I don't like working for assholes. I'm just.. tired... I'm so fucking tired, Crystal."
"I know... aren't we all, though?"
"I guess. I just feel more tired than everyone else."
"Ohhhhhkay, really? You're more tired than everyone else? Quit being dramatic."
"Fuck you, 'being dramatic'. I'm serious. I work harder than everyone I fucking know and still have fuck all to show for it."
"Definitely dramatic. You have your girlfriend, your own place and some work. Do you really want to start with me about whose got it worse? Fuck y--"
"I know! I'm sorry. Fuck! I don't know... I know... I'm just being a mook, that's all."
"A mook?"
"Mookabi. Crying drunk."
"Oh! Yeah, you are!"

We laugh.

"Fuck you! I'm trying to be serious here!"
"I know. You just sound like a bitch, is all."
"Fuck you again. I'll fucking shake you retarded."

She throws one of her armchair pillows at me.

"Oh, you've asked for it now, bitch."

I raise my leg to get up but there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it!?" She cheerfully yells out.
"It's Dom.."
"Ohh, just wait!"

She gets up, walks around me and opens up her door. Some balding dude with glasses enters. I've seen fucking bacon with more hair.

"'Sup?"
"'Sup?"
We both size each other up. Exept I'm on the floor, so I don't know.
"What ya' need?"
"Just a half for now."
"Cool, let me go grab it for ya'. Wait here."

There's a moment of awkward pause before I finally speak.

"What's up, man?"
"Nothing much, man. Just on my way to the Jazz Festival? You going?"
"That's tonight?"
"Yeah, man."
"No way!"
"Yeah way!"
"Naw."
"Oh... it's gonna be fun."
"I bet."

I feel like a cunt but I don't really get along with dudes I first meet. I'm pretty sure it's just posturing he-man ooga-booga bullshit. I don't care. He's interrupting my train of thought here.

"So are you here buying or...?" He asks.
"Yeah, just dropped in before I hit up whatever's happening next door to Jazz Fest, I guess."

Agh, why am I being such a dick?

"Oh yeah, cool. There's supposed to be an art show down the street on Alexander. Is that what you're going to?"
"Yup! Right from here."
"Right on! Do you know any of the artists there or anything? I was supposed to go but I can't because they're supposed to meet me here."
"I was going ta' jump 'em."
"Oh..."

Crystal walks out from the hallway with a huge smile on her face and reaches out to buddy with his bag, still seeing my stupid expression as he turned to look at me.

"Thanks!"
"No problem."

He gives me a happier-than-pig-in-shit-grin and leaves. I feel like such a fucking wiener now.

"How much was that?
"Half an ounce?"
"Seriously?
"Yeah..."
"Fuck! I feel like an asshole now."
"Why?"
"I was a dick to him."

She lets out a cocky laugh and puts down two vials of her own coke on the table.

"It doesn't matter. He's a pretty big douche, himself."

She sits down.

"Still.. if somebody's buying half an ounce of fucking coke, Jesus Christ! I should have been nicer."
"Because he'd stay to give you a fat rip?"
"Of course! Fuck yeah! Why not? Serves me right, I guess."
"Who cares. Bust those two up, mook."

My eyebrow raises to ask "Really?" and she gives me the down nod. I untwist both caps in one motion and pour out the insides across the movie stars eyes.

"Where's the card?"
She fumbles a bit before pulling it out of her back pocket and hands it to me.
"There we go."

I mix what's left, chop up the coke she gave me under one of my five dollar bills and move it back and forth so it flattens it. Usually when you do this... well, most of the time, it will stick to your bill enough that you have to scrape it off with the card. I scrape it off with the card and lick the edge of it. The tip of my tongue goes numb and I grin knowing it's good. I flip the card so that the dry edge touches the pile. Usually you can make six easy-going lines, but instead I make four fatter ones the size of a slug since there are two of us. I put the straw on the edge and hand her the magazine.

"I cut, you choose." I say with a cocky nod.
She gives me a flirty grin and takes the biggest line.
"Thanks."
"No problem."

I put the magazine down and lean back.

"What about you? What do you want?"

Her smile widens as she leans back in her chair and sniffles.

"What do I want? I want you to shutup and quit being a bitch. Take your fucking line."

When I laugh out loud, I scrunch my nose up high. I think it's cute. It's probably not.

"Faaack you."

I slightly bend over the table and take the second smallest line. This sure as hell doesn't burn like E or Jib. I remember when coke used to burn. Am I an adult now?

"No, really. What do you want from life" I awkwardly kind of ask.
"I don't know. I mean, I make my own hours and shit. I work whenever I want to. No one can tell me shit."

That's respectable.

"You never wanted to do anything notable, though?"
"What do you mean?"

What did I mean?

"I mean, like, helping people and shit. I don't know."
"Don't I do that already? You're here, you're being a bitch, and I have the medicine. Am I not helping?"

Ah, shit. She's right. I think. Bitch.

"I guess so... but fuck. I guess..."

She laughs and hands the magazine to me.

"I might bee a little bit older than you but always remember you aren't any different than anyone else that comes through my door."

Ouch.

'"I know. I didn't mean to trivialize what you do. I'm just fucking high."
"Me too."

I take the biggest line and hand her back the magazine with the smallest left. She takes it back and laughs with a shake of her head.

"You're such a dick."
"What else would you have me be?"

A even bigger smile on her face as she takes the smallest line.

"Maybe yourself one day" she answers.

I scrunch my nose up high without laughing and throw her pillow back in her face. She lets out a high pitched laugh.

"God, you're such a fucking as--"

There's a knock at the door as she has the pillow half raised over her head.

"Whoo is it!?"
"Tommy!"

Our smiles half let go as she grabs her purse and heads to the back room again.

"Come in!"

Tommy walks in as she's already half way through in the back.

"'Sup"

I learned my lesson from the last dude.

"Fuck all, man. What's up? My name-"
"Coole, dude. Crystal gonna be right out?"
"Yeah, man, of course. You're here to buy?"
"Yup."
"Going to Jazz Fest?"
"Fuck no. Only fags go to that."
"Oh.. I was thinking of going."
"Oh.. okay..."

Holy fuck this is awkward. It must have been like three minutes in silence before she comes back in the room with a made fist.

"Thanks, Chrys!" he says.
"No problem! You gonna be around later?"
"Oh, yeah, of course. You?"
"Well, yeah. Let me know what's up."
"Will do, baby."

She blushes as she hands him the vial. They hug and he leaves.

"...the fuck?"
"What?"
"What? As I was gonna say-"
"Hey! Do you remember that dude I was talking about from last week?"
"Your pl-"
"Yeah, that guy! He's been hooking it up really good lately, I'm pretty excited!"
"Oh.. cool?"
"Yeah, I haven't made this much in a while."
"Well, I guess that's awesome."
"Yeah!"
"Well, this is pretty good shit, so I don't know."
"Is it? I was kinda iffy about it."
"It's good. I like it."
"Yeah? Maybe I'll stick with this one."
"Cool. I hope so. It's pre-"

Another knock. Fuck! Coke's already done so I see this as my cue to leave.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go.."
"Yeah?"

Second knock.

"Yeah, you're getting kinda busy. I'll see you tom-"
"Whooo is it!?"
"Kev!" the heavy voice says from the other side of the door.
"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow" I say.
I stand up as she's already halfway through her kitchen doorway.
"Cool! Come by whenever! I like talking to you!"

Fuck you.

"Cool!" I yell out as I open her door to see an even bigger Indian than me shove his way in.

"'Sup" he says pushing past me.

Motherfucker. I'll stab you in the fucking ear, bitch.

"Fuck all" I say sheepishly, staring into the back of his neck.

"Cool."

He must have felt the burning behind his head because he finally turned his front to me and looked me in the eye while holding his hand out.

"'Supwitchu'" I say as I firmly shake his hand. Our grips match.

"Fuck I like that" he says.
"Oh fuck yeah."
"No bitch shakes here, friend."
"None." I say.

We both spend at least 15 seconds hard-squeezing hands with eye contact before Crystal comes out all bubbly and coke in hand.

"Cool, nice to meet you, Kev."
"Cool. Your name?"
"Doesn't matter, man."

We finally let go once she's close enough to hand it over.

"Yeah, I'm out. Hug?"
"Yeah!"

I give Crystal one of those hugs around the head because she's so much shorter than I am. We laugh.

"Bye!
"Bye!"
"Tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow!"
"Cool."
"Cool!"

I let go and pat Kev on the shoulder as I push past the thin wood door and make my way down the stairs. You know that old people smell of smoke, dust, and air-conditioner? Yeah, that's what it smells like. Kinda reminds me of my dad. I make it to the bottom and hear a loud burst of laughter before I make it to the street. I smile.

"Fuuuuuuuck..."

We didn't do all her coke.

I Have No Fucking Idea

"You're an idiot"

I couldn't imagine anything else more suitable to be called in this moment.

"I'm sorry. I know."
"Then why do you keep on doing it?"

I had no answer so I fidgeted with the change in my pocket and kept my eyes to the ground.

"Huh? At least give me a fucking answer instead of standing there with that stupid fucking look on your face."

I had nothing to say. How could I? Even if I wanted to, saying something would have more than likely made the situation worse.

"You know you can fool everybody else into feeling sorry for you, standing there all quiet.. 'wah, look at me, I'm stupid.' You keep saying shit about how you're going d-do this or-or how you're going to-to do tha..  but you go ahead and do the fucking opposite. I swear you're fucking retarded. I don't even know why I even fucking bother with you..."

She was upset more than usual. You could usually tell with the way she stuttered and swore and kept a glaring focus on you as she didn't hold back any punches in her berating. I might find it one of her best traits, to be honest. Who the hell wants to hear that, though? I'm absolutely well aware of what she's talking about, unfortunately - and she's right. About everything.

I'm a selfish, unfocused mess of a human being. I honestly couldn't even tell you the last time I might have even remotely felt concern for anyone else other than myself. I mean, I haven't even seen my own mother in months, but that's beside the point. I'm a god damn loser and I know it.

"I don't know why I-"
"Why you keep trying to fuck everything up for yourself? I used to see so much in you. What the fuck happened to you?"

How could I answer? I stood there dumbfounded like an idiot as I watched her storm off. I mean, all I did was spend the rent money. I have good reason, too, but I can see how she'd be angrier than an ugly hooker with lockjaw. I let out a chuckle and instantly freeze in fear as she sharply stops a few yards away and turns, stomping back toward me with her arms swinging as wild as the look on her face.

"What did you even fucking spend it on? Huh? Was it your shitty fucking blow from Billy? Was it uh-uh-playing bigshot? 'Oh, look at me! I get looooosssssst alllll the tiiiiime when I drrink because I-I-I w-wasn't taught how to properly m-manage m-my money because my family's a bunch of shitbags and I was raised as one, too!"

"Fuck you!"

Ah, shit. Here we go.

"No, fuck you, you piece of shit!"

Luckily I've pissed off enough women in my life to know their movements when they're wanting to fight; grab the overhand right with your left, now her left arm with your right and just as quickly, raise a knee to protect whatever nutsack you have left because you're going to need it right away.

She shoves me on to the concrete and I start laughing.

"Everything's fucking funny to you, huh!? How about this? I let your brother go down on me last year at Rachels birthday... You're a fucking joke."

"What the fuck, Dani..."

Not so funny now. I get a gob of spit right between my eyes. She walks off as I wipe it with my right sleeve and raise myself to a knee.

"Joke's on you! I fucked Rachel!"

I didn't. I just wanted to see her reaction. She stops and in what seemed like a really long pause, the neighbourhood did aswell. She stomps twice and raises her hands to her face. Over a muffled cry she screams out.

"I'm done! I'm done! I'm fucking done!"

She's turned around now and her eyes are welled up in tears as she's throwing whatever garbage she can get from a nearby bin at me.

"You leave me the fuck alone, you hear me!? I don't want to fucking hear from you, I don't want to fucking see you! Leave me the fuck alone! I'm done! I'm done! Have a happy fucking life! You deserve it..."

Fuck. I did it now. I step over the garbage and reach my hand onto her arm just as she started walking away. She screams.

"Don't fucking touch me!"

I get one of her tiny fists to my left temple and another on my right. In a flurry she gets my nose and a couple to my chest. I stand there hoping whatever little aggression she can get out on me will somehow calm her down enough to forgive me. It doesn't.

"Fuck you..." she says softly, backing away in a sniffle in what I can only solemnly hear as defeat.

None of my body wants to move as she's now walking away. Go! Go get her, you fucking idiot! But I can't. I can't even speak. I shake standing in place as a tear from my eye runs down into the blood running from my nostril. I put my hands to my head for a moment and let out a light laugh.

I can hear a nearby neighbour turn back inside.

"Asshole..."