I Have No Fucking Idea

"You're an idiot"

I couldn't imagine anything else more suitable to be called in this moment.

"I'm sorry. I know."
"Then why do you keep on doing it?"

I had no answer so I fidgeted with the change in my pocket and kept my eyes to the ground.

"Huh? At least give me a fucking answer instead of standing there with that stupid fucking look on your face."

I had nothing to say. How could I? Even if I wanted to, saying something would have more than likely made the situation worse.

"You know you can fool everybody else into feeling sorry for you, standing there all quiet.. 'wah, look at me, I'm stupid.' You keep saying shit about how you're going d-do this or-or how you're going to-to do tha..  but you go ahead and do the fucking opposite. I swear you're fucking retarded. I don't even know why I even fucking bother with you..."

She was upset more than usual. You could usually tell with the way she stuttered and swore and kept a glaring focus on you as she didn't hold back any punches in her berating. I might find it one of her best traits, to be honest. Who the hell wants to hear that, though? I'm absolutely well aware of what she's talking about, unfortunately - and she's right. About everything.

I'm a selfish, unfocused mess of a human being. I honestly couldn't even tell you the last time I might have even remotely felt concern for anyone else other than myself. I mean, I haven't even seen my own mother in months, but that's beside the point. I'm a god damn loser and I know it.

"I don't know why I-"
"Why you keep trying to fuck everything up for yourself? I used to see so much in you. What the fuck happened to you?"

How could I answer? I stood there dumbfounded like an idiot as I watched her storm off. I mean, all I did was spend the rent money. I have good reason, too, but I can see how she'd be angrier than an ugly hooker with lockjaw. I let out a chuckle and instantly freeze in fear as she sharply stops a few yards away and turns, stomping back toward me with her arms swinging as wild as the look on her face.

"What did you even fucking spend it on? Huh? Was it your shitty fucking blow from Billy? Was it uh-uh-playing bigshot? 'Oh, look at me! I get looooosssssst alllll the tiiiiime when I drrink because I-I-I w-wasn't taught how to properly m-manage m-my money because my family's a bunch of shitbags and I was raised as one, too!"

"Fuck you!"

Ah, shit. Here we go.

"No, fuck you, you piece of shit!"

Luckily I've pissed off enough women in my life to know their movements when they're wanting to fight; grab the overhand right with your left, now her left arm with your right and just as quickly, raise a knee to protect whatever nutsack you have left because you're going to need it right away.

She shoves me on to the concrete and I start laughing.

"Everything's fucking funny to you, huh!? How about this? I let your brother go down on me last year at Rachels birthday... You're a fucking joke."

"What the fuck, Dani..."

Not so funny now. I get a gob of spit right between my eyes. She walks off as I wipe it with my right sleeve and raise myself to a knee.

"Joke's on you! I fucked Rachel!"

I didn't. I just wanted to see her reaction. She stops and in what seemed like a really long pause, the neighbourhood did aswell. She stomps twice and raises her hands to her face. Over a muffled cry she screams out.

"I'm done! I'm done! I'm fucking done!"

She's turned around now and her eyes are welled up in tears as she's throwing whatever garbage she can get from a nearby bin at me.

"You leave me the fuck alone, you hear me!? I don't want to fucking hear from you, I don't want to fucking see you! Leave me the fuck alone! I'm done! I'm done! Have a happy fucking life! You deserve it..."

Fuck. I did it now. I step over the garbage and reach my hand onto her arm just as she started walking away. She screams.

"Don't fucking touch me!"

I get one of her tiny fists to my left temple and another on my right. In a flurry she gets my nose and a couple to my chest. I stand there hoping whatever little aggression she can get out on me will somehow calm her down enough to forgive me. It doesn't.

"Fuck you..." she says softly, backing away in a sniffle in what I can only solemnly hear as defeat.

None of my body wants to move as she's now walking away. Go! Go get her, you fucking idiot! But I can't. I can't even speak. I shake standing in place as a tear from my eye runs down into the blood running from my nostril. I put my hands to my head for a moment and let out a light laugh.

I can hear a nearby neighbour turn back inside.

"Asshole..."